So many emotions rushed into me as we fucked… no, we made love. There was no other way of looking at the tenderness laced with the rough need we’d both shared. He still never blinked, his entire face contorted in worry and confusion.

  About how he was feeling.

  He spun me around again and I shivered to the core, even throwing my head back as a beautiful sweep of ecstasy began a powerful journey from my toes to my core. In those incredible seconds, I did what I could to drive the orgasm away. Losing this moment would be painful.

  But my body refused to obey my deepest thoughts and needs.

  The dazzling sensations rocketing through me were even better than the climaxes he’d provided before. How could a man so insanely gruff be this amazing in… hot water? The thought brought another smile to my face.

  His smile as he watched me was wry, as if learning my body meant he had full control over me.

  I wasn’t certain there was a single ounce of me that minded.

  As our fucking heated to an explosive point, bubbles splashing over our bodies, the orgasm hit me harder than I’d believed possible.

  There was no way to bite back a slight scream and instead of me being forced to slap my hand over my mouth, he did so for me with a rough kiss.

  I couldn’t get enough of the taste of him, floating directly into nirvana as my shattered body responded to the pure ecstasy. Only when I started coming down from the spectacular high did he let himself go, falling into his own state of nirvana.

  Squeezing my pussy muscles, I was able to bask in his moment of bliss as he threw his head back. I felt the moment he erupted deep inside, filling me with his seed.

  Whatever the future would bring, this moment belonged to us and us alone.

  From being around Jagger, I’d learned that life wasn’t just about everything being black and white.

  Or good and bad.

  Right versus wrong.

  Gray was allowed to seep in and those who were lucky and in tune with the world around them could appreciate it.

  In a short period of time, he’d taught me all about seeing the different shades of evil, providing a light I thought I’d never see again.

  If only this could last forever.

  CHAPTER 21

  Bella

  The sound was jarring. So much so I jerked up from a deep sleep. Something inside told me I’d been in a nice slumber, but the darkness in the room was instantly terrifying. Had someone broken into the house?

  “Jagger. There’s someone inside.” Fear tore through me as I struggled to unearth my arms from the tight covers, immediately reaching over to his side of the bed.

  Even though I was starting to see shadows in the room, I had to feel his pillow to realize he wasn’t in bed. Maybe he’d heard the intruder.

  Oh, dear God. Cally!

  Still fighting the covers, I managed to jerk my feet from under them, placing them quietly on the floor. If someone was in the house, I would need to remain very quiet. Where was Jagger? Inching into the bathroom, I resisted turning on a light. Half my clothes were still outside, the towel he’d used to wrap around me when carrying me to his bedroom thrown somewhere against one of the walls.

  Maybe I’d get lucky and he was the kind of man to wear a robe. A slight breath escaped my lungs when I felt one on the back of the door. I slipped into it, fighting the terrified girl inside even more. I’d never been this way, forced to take care of my own battles my entire life. Joel had taken too much from me and that was going to stop right now.

  I took cautious steps toward the door, hopeful he would dash in and tell me everything was okay.

  But I sensed that wasn’t going to happen. My stomach was in knots as I opened the door, slipping into another wave of shadows as I made my way to Cally’s room. Very quietly I turned the doorknob, grateful Cally had to sleep with a light of some sort on. The lamp on the other side of the room had a low wattage bulb, which allowed a slight view of my sleeping baby.

  Xena lifted her head, but as soon as I placed my finger across my lips, she lowered it again. There hadn’t been any disturbance in the room I could see. Since I’d left my phone in the kitchen, I couldn’t call 9-1-1. That meant I had to find out what I’d heard.

  As soon as I closed the bedroom door, I heard another noise. This time I sensed it was something being tossed against the wall or on the floor. Where the hell was Jagger? Why wasn’t he hearing this?

  I remained as quiet as possible as I made my way to the top of the stairs. I only had a limited view of downstairs, able to tell the fire in the fireplace was mostly embers at this point. But with every light being off, I could barely make out the furniture. Maybe I was being foolish, but I started to descend the stairs.

  When I’d walked down four of them, another noise startled me more this time. But it wasn’t a thud. The sound was a deep, haunted moan.

  Jagger.

  I hurried down the rest of the stairs, waiting on the landing as I tried to figure out where the sound had come from. There were several rooms on the bottom floor including a study toward the back I’d peeked my head into.

  He wasn’t in the kitchen or the living room. My gut told me Jagger was suffering from a nightmare he’d experienced. I moved cautiously down the hallway, passing two darkened rooms and a bathroom. The door to the study was partially cracked, a source of light streaming from underneath.

  I was still cautious as I approached, unsure what I could do for him. When I pushed open the door, my heart broke a little. The moment he tossed two heavy books across the room, I cringed deep inside. I should have heard him having a nightmare.

  He ripped at his hair before plopping down in one of two leather chairs, dropping his head in his hands. On the table to the side was a bottle of booze and a glass that only had a swig left in it. From what I remembered of the bottle from before, he’d had one too many in trying to exorcise his demons.

  For the first time since we’d met, he didn’t sense my presence, which was almost as concerning as the fact various items had been tossed around the room, several books with broken spines laying haphazardly on the floor.

  “Jagger.” I didn’t dare take a step inside. I’d had a few psychology classes, but that in no way made me qualified to deal with PTSD. It was obvious he was suffering from the horrible deeds he’d seen and been forced to do during both dangerous occupations.

  A mercenary.

  I hadn’t allowed myself to think about what he’d done until now. He’d killed people for a living. Yes, maybe bad people who others believed deserved to die, but that didn’t change the fact he’d used them for target practice. A sudden cold shiver slammed down my spine.

  Whatever organization he’d worked for had likely lied to him or worse.

  Left him without support.

  He jerked his head up, his entire face contorted from an extremely heightened level of anger.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked and he immediately reached for his glass, finishing off the last of his bourbon. It didn’t take him two seconds to refill his glass.

  “Don’t, Jagger. Just don’t.”

  His laugh sounded bitter. “What don’t you want me to do, sweetheart? Drink myself to death or pull out a handgun?”

  Was he trying to terrify me with threatening to kill himself? If so, he was doing a damn good job. But I was also angry, furious in fact.

  “Both.” I walked toward him, folding my arms. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  “What do you think? Finding an escape.”

  I had two different ways of dealing with this. Coddling him or telling him exactly what was on my mind.

  I chose the latter for good or for bad. I wasn’t in the coddling mood. “How fucking dare you.”

  His eyes flickered with confusion at first, but his mask was firmly shoved back into place. “How dare I do what?”

  “Act like you don’t give a damn about anyone else but yourself. You’re a fraud. An asshole. A jerk and I thought you were completely different.”

  “I guess you thought wrong.”

  “Bullshit, Jagger. You risked your damn life to go on that mountain to locate my daughter. You kept me from falling off a goddamn cliff. In my mind that shows you have grit, a salt of the earth kind of man. It also tells me that you have integrity. You have the entire world at your feet. Money. A fabulous resort to work in. A town of friendly fucking people who think the sun rises and sets on your ass and… And a woman who gives a damn about you, but you’d prefer to wallow in self-pity. I call that bullshit.”

  I held my breath, waiting to see what he would do. As anticipated, his rage flared once again and he jerked to his feet. A part of me was momentarily on edge, but my gut told me and the inner voice whispered that he would never dare raise his hand to me. Not once. Not under any circumstances.

  He fumed, his chest rising and falling and his face turning red. I saw hatred in his eyes. All for himself. But he remained quiet, just the little bit of ice rattling in the shaking glass creating any sound.

  We glared at each other until I was certain I had to try yet another tactic.

  “Fine. Have it your way, Jagger.” I turned to leave and as I’d hoped, he refused to allow me to get out of the room. He planted his flexed hand on the door, slamming it closed before picking me up. “Let go of me.”

  “No.” His single word was filled with agony. He sat down again, planting me on his lap. The single act told me he’d survive this panic attack.

  But there would be more. How would I be able to handle the next one? And the next.

  The man was a bundle of nerves, the cords on the side of his neck thumping from his increased pulse. My doctor side almost took over, but I tamped her down. What Jagger needed right now was someone to listen. Not to bark orders or tell him how he should be feeling. While he’d admitted his previous job, information most people wouldn’t understand, there was much more to what he’d endured. Something more personal.

  He had one arm around the base of my back, keeping me in place while allowing me to know his intentions weren’t harmful. Sadly, his eyes were dilated as memories plagued every thought. “Let me help you, Jagger.”

  “I don’t think anyone can.” He took another sip of his drink as he stared off into space.

  I wrapped my fingers around his and the glass, stretching them out so I could rub the tip of my index finger back and forth across the top of his hand. He allowed me to take the glass from his hand, finally able to look me in the eye as I took a sip of his drink.

  He was starting to come down from the fog that had hardened his mind and his heart. But not enough that it would mean anything the next time he had an episode.

  “A nightmare?” I asked.

  His nod was so forlorn. “Nothing unusual except I thought you were…”

  “Someone who hurt you.”

  “Yeah. I can’t do this to myself any longer or to you.”

  “You’re not going to hurt me.”

  “You don’t know that!” The right corner of his lip curled.

  “Yes, I do. It will never happen. You won’t allow yourself to do that.”

  He retrieved his drink, laughing more bitterly than before. “I wish I had your confidence.” In an unexpected move, he kissed my cheek. It was also a slight dismissal. He wanted to try to shove his experience under a rug.

  “I don’t know any longer.” He placed his glass on the table. Every time he looked at me, I could see another layer being peeled. He’d been so caught up in hating himself that he’d forgotten it was okay to live. To enjoy.

  As he slid a strand of hair from my mouth, his face contorted and he looked away. “Few people could ever understand what it’s like to be a prisoner of war.”

  Oh, shit. Another reason he hated the world. He’d experienced the worst of mankind.

  “I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to try and fathom what it’s like to be deprived of sunlight, food, and water. I’d never wish the kind of torture I’d endured on anyone no matter what they’d done in their lives. There are fates worse than death. All you do is pray that death will take you, and a part of you is lost in the darkness forever. But I’ve come to understand what I had to face was nothing in comparison to the loss experienced by the families of those I killed. I deserved the months in captivity.”

  He made the statement in such a cold, calculated way that I wasn’t able to come up with a decent response. At least not until I was able to process what he’d told me.

  “No one deserves to be tortured, Jagger. Some, however, deserve to die for the terrible things they’ve done to others either for fun, financial or political gain. What you did as a soldier was make the world safe for others, keeping democracy alive. What you did as a mercenary was the same, only you were forced into even more dangerous situations because you were very much alone. It wasn’t your fault you were captured by some terrible people either. But do you want to know something?”

  His eyes were glistening as he studied me. “What?”

  “You’re not alone right now. I’m here. And unless you have other plans, this is where I intend on staying.” He was holding back some of the details, but I couldn’t press him. My heart was heavy for him yet grateful that he’d shared his horrors with me.

  He’d opened himself up, making his needs and anxiety vulnerable to me, someone he barely knew. Some might not understand how special that was. Maybe my thinking was twisted, but I’d been the one to discuss murder options with my best friend so who was I to justify myself?

  There was no real cure for anyone suffering from the mental turmoil he was going through, but there were support mechanisms, people who could help ease his anxiety. Right now, his first task was acceptance of his deeds and that they didn’t reflect on the man.

  He also had to forgive himself.

  It was something we both needed to do. Maybe fate had brought us together for a reason.

  Healing.

  Understanding.

  Survival.

  CHAPTER 22

  Jagger

  The afternoon sun had a warming effect, the thick snow slowly fading into a memory. I pulled into the parking lot of Shackles, a favorite local watering hole, the grip on my steering wheel tight.

  Two days had passed since I’d lost my shit and Bella had found me. I knew I’d seemed like a madman to her, likely ranting and raving. I remembered only some of what I’d told her. But what I knew was that she’d held my hand for a solid two hours after I’d told her I’d been captured, finally falling asleep on my chest.

  The closeness had been the nearest thing to heaven I’d ever experienced.

  I’d carried her up to bed, tucking her in and watching her sleep for the rest of the night. As soon as dawn had broken through the gray horizon, I’d heard both Cally’s and Xena’s feet romping through the house. At least the sweet little kid had allowed me to pour her a bowl of cereal for breakfast. She’d chattered away like she did every minute she was awake while I’d fed the pup.

  It had tugged at my heartstrings more than any time before.

  The reason why had become clear to me. Because everything seemed normal. A normal family. A normal house. A normal morning.

  When nothing was truly normal in my world or in Bella’s.

  My anger was still fresh, my mind anticipating what I would do to Joel if he stepped foot in Danger Falls.

  At least work had taken up the better part of the last two days, which had kept me from going off the deep end. With Bella still on the job waiting tables, and Cally and the hero dog Xena the hit of daycare, I had the early evening to myself. What did I do instead of going home to an empty house?

  I asked both brothers to meet me at a goddamn bar. It wasn’t my usual behavior by a long shot, so I knew they’d have questions.

  I’d had more trouble sleeping, only able to stay with Bella for a couple of hours. At least I’d waited until she’d fallen asleep before heading downstairs, pulling out my computer and searching for every scrap of information I could find on the Brockford family. She hadn’t been lying about their power.

  Joel’s father had come up through the illustrious ranks of being one of the top surgeons in the country to running a highly profitable charity for extreme medical conditions. The money he’d managed to bring in was astounding. He appeared charming in the photographs, always smiling and shaking hands. However, I could read between the lines.

  People were afraid of him.

  Some notorious criminals had also been included in a couple of the photographs. That gave me an indication there was some type of a relationship with the Brockford family.

  Maybe the patriarch had a way of saving the lives of powerful people who would then owe him a favor or two, including eliminating anyone getting in his way. It was just a crazy theory of mine, but one that wouldn’t leave my mind. Joel was shadowing his father’s footsteps, also highly respected and considered the quintessential surgeon on the East Coast.

  As with every family, dark secrets lay in wait for the right person to find them. While a significant part of me wanted to resort to my previous convictions on handling a target, I also knew the problems killing Joel could create.

  I’d come to terms with the thought of destroying the man instead.

  Unfortunately, I would need help in doing so. Something I wasn’t used to either.

  After parking the Rover, I climbed out, scanning the parking lot. It was early, but there were already a solid three dozen vehicles, which meant the place was going to be packed. The damn holidays again. Plus, the snow hadn’t dampened anyone’s spirits.

  Cally had started talking about what to get the dog for her stocking and I’d been forced to walk out of the room. My attitude had been bad enough that the little girl had taken to calling me Mr. Grumpy. And every time Bella had burst into laughter. Meanwhile, both girls as well as Xena also had added light to the house that hundreds of lamps hadn’t been able to do.

  I strolled into the bar, glancing at the bartender who I knew. While I might not frequent the place that often, people paid attention to the Fox boys. The whole town had watched us like hawks for weeks after our arrival. In addition to the sheriff throwing shade given our backgrounds, there’d been real fear we’d sell or shut down the resort. I couldn’t blame them for their concern.

 

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