Unsteady, p.1
Unsteady, page 1
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For my dad,
who spent his life with a book in one hand, and my hand in the other.
It never mattered what the book was going to be about, it was always going to be for you.
PLAYLIST
It’s Called: Freefall • Rainbow Kitten Surprise
Little Dark Age • MGMT
American Teenager • Ethel Cain
Cherry Waves • Deftones
this is me trying • Taylor Swift
Heartbeats • José González
Sleep Alone • Two Door Cinema Club
Juliet • Cavetown
No Sleep Till Brooklyn • Beastie Boys
Waterloo • ABBA
Fast Car • Tracy Chapman
The Difference • Flume ft. Toro y Moi
Make This Go On Forever • Snow Patrol
Uncomfortably Numb • American Football ft. Hayley Williams
The Hills • The Weeknd
Getaway Car • Taylor Swift
Losing My Religion • R.E.M.
Barely Breathing • Duncan Sheik
Let’s Get Lost • Beck and Bat for Lashes
Gilded Lily • Cults
Meddle About • Chase Atlantic
Asphalt Meadows • Death Cab for Cutie
The Kids Aren’t Alright • The Offspring
Sex • The 1975
A Little Death • The Neighbourhood
Cupid’s Chokehold • Gym Class Heroes ft. Patrick Stump
Cherry Flavoured • The Neighbourhood
peace • Taylor Swift
Yippie Ki Yay • Hippo Campus
Killer • Phoebe Bridgers
Revolution 0 • boygenius
Don’t Look Back in Anger • Oasis
Savior Complex • Phoebe Bridgers
Sparks • Coldplay
California • Lana Del Rey
Your Best American Girl • Mitski
R U Mine? • Arctic Monkeys
When I Get My Hands On You • The New Basement Tapes
Matilda • Harry Styles
Family Line • Conan Gray
Boy With The Blues • Delacey
Heaven • Brandi Carlile
Love song • Lana Del Rey
Bite the Hand • boygenius
Delicate • Damien Rice
Enter Sandman • Metallica
Repeat Until Death • Novo Amor
Wish You Were Here • Pink Floyd
Jackie And Wilson • Hozier
Space Song • Beach House
PROLOGUE
Three Months Ago
Rhys
I can’t breathe.
The icy cold seeps in through my jersey. I can feel it on my stomach—fuck, I’m on my stomach on the fucking ice. Did I pass out?
“Son, you’re doing fine—can you lift your head for me?”
Everything is black. I shut my eyes and open them again. Nothing. I keep blinking; at least, I think I am… Fuck, how long was I out?
“Koteskiy, I need you to breathe,” another voice says, before there’s a hand gripping my arm. “Don’t move him, Reiner, not yet.”
A scrape of a blade against the ice, then my best friend Bennett’s voice: “What’s wrong? What happened?”
I want to call for him. I try desperately to push his name through my mouth, but it feels like my lips have been fused together.
“Back up, everyone. Back up!”
“I can’t see,” I manage to wrangle out. “I can’t see.” The second one comes out like a choked sob.
“Calm down,” Ben offers, his voice soft, soothing the fear and adrenaline coursing through me. “Take it easy, Rhys—just breathe.”
“Where’s my dad? I can’t see anything.”
My voice is like this foreign thing echoing in a cavern. Am I speaking or is it in my head? Why can’t I see?
Everything starts to muddle together again, and the pain throbs in my head even harder. I want to open my eyes. I want to push my tongue against my teeth to check that they’re all there, and swear I’ll wear a mouth guard next time. I want to go back and pay attention, keep my fucking head up against that hit. I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
The voices around me start to muddle to nothing as I slump into the thick darkness entrapping me.
CHAPTER ONE
Present
Rhys
“Just try it today, and if you still feel like shit, I won’t ask you to do it again. Okay?”
Even with the volume on my phone turned so low it should be silent, my father’s voice is a booming echo through the speaker. I wince lightly, using muscle memory to pull the black joggers over my legs in the darkness of my bedroom. After gently shrugging a hoodie over my head, I swipe the phone from where it lies on the dresser.
“I’m fine,” I say. It’s not really an answer, but I know what he’s really asking beneath his command.
We’re cut from the same cloth, my father and I—both calm under pressure, both “dipped like Achilles into a pool of confidence” as my mother so often puts it. I’ve been compared to him all my life—for the way I look, the way I skate, the way I play—and unlike many of the other NHL legacies I’ve played with, I don’t mind it.
My dad has always been my hero.
Which is why I know he’s asked me to work with the First Line Foundation today—a charity my father started after retiring from the NHL—purely as a way to check up on me. Where we used to talk hockey for hours, we barely share surface-level conversations now and I know he knows I’ve started avoiding him altogether.
The foundation funds scholarship programs for kids who want to play hockey but don’t have the means to do so. I’ve worked with the program before, I’ve even enjoyed it before, but now…
It feels daunting, like I know even now that the smiles of children won’t drive away the constant dread filling up the void of my body.
“Rhys,” he calls again, his voice still too loud. I huff a breath, sliding my shoes on and grabbing my bag before heading into the warm June air. “Just… try it today. And then, if you feel like it, take the keys tomorrow morning to run a few drills before the rink opens.”
I nod, tossing the bag into the backseat of my BMW. I’d been cleared to drive for a month or so but have barely left the house in all that time.
“I will,” I finally say, tightening my hands on the steering wheel in the silence that follows. The swishing sound through my father’s crackling speaker tells me he’s driving with the windows down in his ancient truck that my mom refers to as “that thing.”
“And if you’re not ready this year, there’s no reason to push yourself. An extra year might be good, to make a better impression on the scouts before the next draft—”
The next draft… My shoulders hike defensively, but I can’t help the slight appeal of it, waiting until I don’t feel this way about hockey anymore, until I love it again, just like I always have.
This is ridiculous. I’m not a soldier. I play NCAA hockey… I should be over this by now.
I cut him off before this entire conversation sends me spiraling and right back into my room with the blackout curtains shut tight.
“I want to play. I feel ready to play again,” I lie. It’s one I’ve been practicing, so it rolls off my tongue easier than breathing. “I’m good.”
A deep sigh over the line before we exchange quick goodbyes and I finally start the car.
* * *
The rink is crowded, especially for a Thursday evening at dinner time. Kids ranging in age from five to thirteen skirt and swerve around the rink with a few volunteers that I recognize from previous functions—some retired players, some parents with relevant experience. I even spot Lukas Bezek—one of the new star players for the Bruins—with the social media team working with a few of the older kids on slap shots.
Just as I step onto the ice, a little blur slams into my legs with a belatedly screamed, “Watch out!”
I catch the small kid before he can bounce off my thighs and fall flat onto the ice.
He giggles as I hold him up by the little pads and jersey he’s wearing and wait until he gets his feet under him again. He looks up at me the entire time. He has a dusting of freckles and a gap-toothed grin that makes him look just like a mini hockey player. He slides a bit again, not quite the best skater out there, but he doesn’t frown or seem agitated in the slightest.
“Sorry,” he offers, a little whistle coming from the hole where he’s missing a front tooth. “I’m still working on my stops.”
The old Rhys would have laughed and said something gentle or funny, like “That’s all right, bud. I am too.” But even the idea of laughing seems impossible, so I offer as much of a grin as my face can manage.
“Good thing we’re gonna work on those stops today,” a chipper voice announces as a tall, pretty girl glides up and stops short next to us, a gaggle of little ones behind her. “And good job, Liam, on finding our special guest coach for today!”
Liam, the boy still clinging to me with a little gloved hand on my leg, laughs again and leans back.
“He’s so tall!”
The group of kids now surrounding us all giggle and smile at me, waiting on something. Sweat slicks the back of my neck at the sight of all their hopeful faces looking up at me, relying on me.
Maybe this was a mistake.
“This is Rhys.” The girl takes over. “He’s a center for the Waterfell Wolves, so he plays hockey in college, just outside Boston! He’s been playing since he was your age. And he’s gonna help you guys with skating today.”
“Will we play today?” a little girl asks with her helmet in her hands, cheeks blushing immediately at the attention of her fellow classmates.
“Probably not today. We’re gonna mainly work on skating, all right?” The girl smiles lightly at the group as they all cheer. “We’ll do a bit of stick handling with our hockey captain here.” She nods to me. “And then finish with some fun games. How does that sound?”
A consensus of excited shouting commences before she dismisses them to some warm-up laps.
“Hope you don’t mind me taking over,” she says, reaching her hand out to shake mine. “I’m Chelsea. One of the leads told me you’d be helping out today with the little ones.”
“Yeah,” I reply. I skate gently beside her, following her lead to the other side of the rink where a stack of cones sits by the boards, and try to pull it together. “Thanks for that. Was a little out of it this morning.”
“I understand.” She chuckles. “We all have some of those nights.”
I should laugh, or nod and agree—as if my lack of emotion is just due to a bad hangover from a rough night out—but I can barely muster a half-grin as we set up for drills.
“Anyway, for the littles, it’s mainly just a skating lesson. The ten-and-up group is with the Bruins for media today.” She nods toward the stumbling crew headed back in our direction. “And the little one who tried to knock you over is Liam—he needs some extra care if you want to focus on him today. Make it easier.”
So I do.
Liam is easy, an eager—albeit clumsy—learner who never loses his smile. He clings to me easily, watching the other kids every now and then with a little determined scowl.
Chelsea closes the session with a quick round-up huddle. Only half of the kids are able to kneel, the rest sprawling on the ice with happy smiles.
I keep waiting for that little reminder of myself at this age, holding my dad’s stick and letting him glide me almost too fast across the ice. Watching his games on the TV, decked out in his jersey and shouting just like my mom. The first time I got a goal on my own, even if it was nearly accidental. I wait… and still, nothing.
“My brother’s real good too,” Liam says a little breathlessly as he holds on to the pocket of my joggers once again. The kid’s a terrible skater, but he’s happy.
“Is he?”
The kid looks over his shoulder at the older group finishing up across the ice.
“Yep. Oliver. I think he’ll be jealous you skated with me today.”
“Jealous?” I quirk a brow at the little guy.
He nods and another giggle escapes. “Oh yeah. You play Wolves hockey, and Oliver wants to play for them bad.”
I glance over, now wondering why exactly Liam hasn’t been called over by the gaggle of parents surrounding the kids gorging on the goodies at the snack table. The older kids scatter, all heading for the gate, except one—a taller boy with hair long enough that it hangs just out of his helmet, who is skating right for us.
Chelsea is nowhere to be seen; in fact, the ice has cleared. Parents and children cover the bleachers and huddle around the table of snacks, their laughter and chatter echoing and bouncing off the walls of the open rink. I wait for someone to step up to the glass and notice the two boys still on the ice, but no one bats an eye.
“Is she not here?” the older boy, Oliver, asks, pulling his helmet off to hang in his hands. His hair is darker, but the gray eyes are identical to his brother’s so it’s easy to spot their connection.
Liam shakes his head, silent for the first time all afternoon.
Oliver makes a frustrated sound. After a quick wary glance up at me, he looks down at Liam with his hands on his hips. “I told you, if she’s not here, you wait for me by the snacks with Miss Chelsea.”
Liam pouts, his hand releasing me so he can skate, or trip, to his brother.
“But it’s a Wolf!” he explains in a semi-hushed voice, letting out a quick little howl. “Like, he plays hockey for Waterfell.”
The kid waits for his brother to react, but Oliver looks embarrassed, almost angry. Liam howls again, then turns his head toward me and says, “Right, Rhys?”
I let out a smile and nod. “Right, Liam.”
“He’s gonna teach me so much hockey stuff, I’m gonna be even better than you.”
Oliver smiles, albeit reluctantly, at his brother’s antics, as Liam skates little circles around him. He probably feels like he’s flying, but he’s tripping along on one foot.
It’s easy to see the camaraderie between the brothers, and it makes me think of being six and chasing Bennett around like a lunatic. He was always bigger, but I was faster. He’s my brother, even if not by blood, and an ache emanates from my chest at the thought of him, of the one hundred missed calls and texts on my phone that I’ve yet to listen to or answer.
I haven’t seen him since the hospital, despite knowing he’s made multiple visits to my house, only to be turned away by my parents over and over.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I grab it.
BENNETT REINER: 152 Unread Messages
I know you’re alive dumbass. Answer your…
Not bothering to read more than the preview, I slip the phone back into my pocket and ignore the niggle of guilt that threatens. I refocus my attention on the boys who are staring blankly up at me.
Chelsea suddenly joins us. She’s smiling brightly at the boys, and offers me a little shrug before leaning over to whisper in my ear.
“They’re always the last ones here.” As she speaks, I look over and see that the snack table has cleared out and we are the only four left in the whole rink. “Someone has to stay with them until—”
A door slams and a girl sprints down the ramp toward the gate.
She’s slight, covered in tight black leggings and an oversized blue sweatshirt that she’s practically swimming in, her ponytail loose and fluffed up by the hood hanging around her shoulders. The undone, barely-there look on her face makes me wonder when she last slept.
I watch Liam’s face light up, his little knees bending like he might jump up and down from excitement if he wasn’t afraid to fall. Next to me, Chelsea huffs and rolls her eyes, giving me a look that says this is far from the first time this girl has been late.
“I’m here,” the new arrival shouts, her bag bouncing hard against her back where it’s slung on her shoulders. She sprints onto the ice in slip-on sneakers, sliding aimlessly for a moment before she regains her balance and takes quick steps toward us.
“You’re late,” Chelsea sneers. “Again.” Her hands fall to Oliver’s shoulders in a protective gesture, and red spreads further across the new girl’s already flushed skin.
“I know,” she says, kneeling onto the ice to get at eye level with Liam, who is still excited, with no sign of frustration toward his… mother? She seems too young, especially with Oliver looking to be around eleven.
The girl looks around briefly, and it’s only then that a flash of recognition hits me. I’ve seen her before, but I can’t place where.
She doesn’t bother speaking to Chelsea, only giving a big smile to Liam, who is looking at her like she’s his entire world, before shifting to speak directly to Oliver, whose face is red and slanted down, disappointment emanating from him.
“I’m sorry, bud.” She bites her lip hard, her wide gray eyes pleading. “I tried so hard.”
“I got even faster today,” Liam offers, completely and blissfully ignorant of his brother’s obvious frustration.
She gives him a wink and rubs his head lightly, mussing his hair as she stands back up. “I’ll bet you’ll be even faster than Crosby one day.”
I almost snort, partially because I’m now imagining a Sidney Crosby poster in her childhood bedroom. Despite the fact my lips don’t even begin to rise—no hint of a laugh threatening—I am taken aback by how quickly she got any kind of reaction out of my empty body.
