Almost perfect, p.54
Almost Perfect, page 54
‘Anna,’ he said thickly. ‘I hope you know I wish you all the best.’
‘And I hope you know I want you to be happy, Mac.’ She glanced fleetingly down at the pram. ‘Don’t ever forget how precious . . .’ But the wave was cresting and she couldn’t say any more. She pulled her hand away and turned around, walking briskly along the path without looking back.
Anna didn’t know where she was headed. She was surprised she could even see the road in front of her through the tears that kept filling her eyes and streaming down her cheeks. She so didn’t want this feeling to be despair. It was grief, natural, appropriate grief for the baby she had never had. Would never have. She was finally letting go. Letting it be. And she was feeling every bit of it. And she was driving. And then she was outside Vincent’s house. Staring at the door. Feeling. Crossing the road. Walking to his door. Knocking. Open like a sore.
‘Anna,’ Vincent exclaimed softly. She hadn’t even noticed the door swing back. But now she saw his face, those intense green eyes staring down at her. ‘What is it, what’s happened?’
She felt his hand on her elbow, gently drawing her inside. Anna collapsed against him, clinging to him as though he was saving her from drowning. She couldn’t let go. She felt him push the door shut behind her and then his arms closed around her, holding her tight. She didn’t realise till then that she was still crying, sobbing in fact. He stroked her hair, murmuring close to her ear to soothe her, gently rocking her in his arms. As her tears ebbed she gradually became aware of his body pressed against hers, the feel of it, the warmth of it, the ocean smell of him, remembering . . . Anna raised her head slowly, bringing one hand up to touch his cheek. She drew closer, brushing her lips against his, barely. She was scared, she couldn’t handle it if he rejected her, though he had every right to. She lifted her eyes to meet his, and he was gazing down at her, breathing heavily. He held her face, wiping the tears from her cheeks, before running one thumb across her lips, parting them . . . and then he was kissing her, hard, ravenously. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he lifted her off the floor. They stumbled up the hallway in a kind of frenzied promenade, moving in circular sweeps, alternately pressing each other up against the wall, their mouths never separating while their hands pulled and tugged at sleeves and buttons and zippers, grasping at bare skin, caressing, clutching each other close. They almost fell through the door into his bedroom, and with a few steps Anna arched backwards onto the bed, bringing Vincent with her. He was naked to the waist, his jeans open, sliding down his hips. She reached down and took hold of him, and he moaned. He propped his elbows either side of her head, breathing hard as he looked down at her. ‘Anna . . .’
‘Don’t talk,’ she said, wrapping her legs around him and pushing her pelvis hard up against his.
‘Fuck,’ he gasped.
‘Yes,’ she breathed into his ear.
And then he lunged inside her and Anna cried out, pulling his mouth down onto hers again as they writhed around, thrusting wildly against each other. They didn’t stop until they were both completely spent, gasping for breath. Vincent fell back on the bed beside her, panting heavily. Neither of them was able to speak for some time.
After a while Anna felt his fingers lacing through hers as he lifted her hand to his lips. She turned to look at him, and he smiled, holding her hand against his chest. ‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’
‘I missed you.’
Anna smiled. ‘Me too.’
‘How’ve you been?’ he asked.
The wave rose up in her chest again, and she rolled over towards him, nuzzling close into his body and burying her face in his neck. She felt his arms tighten around her as he kissed her on top of the head.
‘Now you’re really starting to freak me out, Anna. What’s going on?’
She looked up at him, her eyes wet with tears. Vincent eased down the bed until he was level with her. ‘What is it?’
‘I just saw Mac,’ she began in a small voice. ‘Mac and his new baby son.’
He stroked her hair away from her face. ‘How did that happen?’
‘I asked, I wanted to see the baby,’ she sniffed. ‘Put some ghosts to rest, I suppose. But when I saw him, he looked exactly like Mac, and it occurred to me my baby might have looked like that . . .’ Her voice failed.
Vincent pressed his lips firmly against her forehead, holding her close.
‘I wasn’t prepared . . . it was so intense. After I walked away, I couldn’t stop crying.’
‘That’s grief, isn’t it?’
Anna looked wide-eyed at him. ‘Do you think so?’
‘I do.’
‘I was so overwhelmed, and I thought, I don’t want to be this sad, this heartbroken. I want to move on, not to feel like I’m missing something for the rest of my life.’
‘Isn’t that exactly why you have to grieve?’ said Vincent. ‘I thought that was pretty basic psychology.’
She nodded faintly, shifting onto her back and staring up at the ceiling. ‘He really was such a dear little baby, Vincent, you wouldn’t wish him away. And I don’t begrudge Mac. How can I? I wanted to give him a baby for so long, it would be churlish to resent him for having one now.’
Vincent leaned across her, kissing her soundly on the lips.
‘What was that for?’ Anna asked him. ‘You are an amazing woman, Anna Gilchrist,’ he said.
‘I don’t know about that. I’ve got a long way to go yet . . . climbing down off that pedestal,’ she added quietly.
He crooked his elbow, resting his head on one hand. ‘Is that why you’re here?’
Anna stared up at him. ‘Oh, Vincent, I shouldn’t have come here like this,’ she said, struggling to sit up, pulling the sheet around herself.
‘Hold on,’ he said, sitting up as well, ‘what’s wrong now?’
‘Vincent, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to think . . .’
‘Think what?’
‘You see, it’s just . . . I’m going away,’ she blurted.
He looked at her. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m going away, overseas.’
‘For how long?’
‘Indefinitely . . .’
A frown formed on his face as he took in what she was saying.
Anna watched him. ‘I shouldn’t have come here, I’m sorry, Vincent. I didn’t plan it, I didn’t even know where I was going until I found myself walking across the street and knocking at your door.’ She paused. He still hadn’t said anything. ‘I’m sorry–’
‘Hey, stop that,’ he said, rousing. ‘You think I’m sorry that you’re here?’ He leaned towards her and kissed her gently on the lips.
Anna searched his eyes as he drew back. ‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure.’
She took a deep breath, bringing her knees up and hugging them. ‘I always felt safe here, Vincent. From the very first time. I don’t know why.’ She looked at him. ‘That’s why I had to leave. I was hiding out here. I’m sorry for the way I walked out, but I think it was what I needed to do.’
He nodded slowly, leaning back against the bedhead. ‘So what have you been doing with yourself?’
‘I’ve been writing again, really writing, almost the entire time.’
‘Then you definitely did the right thing leaving. Are you going to let me read what you’ve written?’
‘I’d like that,’ she smiled. ‘But it doesn’t have an ending yet. I can’t finish it. That’s why I’m going away.’
He reached over and took hold of her hand. ‘You know, I could go with you.’
‘Come on, Vincent, you’ve been there, done that.’
‘So?’
‘I never have. I want to live in my own skin for a while and see what it’s like, see what I’m like,’ she tried to explain. ‘I’ve wasted so much time waiting for something to happen to make me complete.’ She paused. ‘Besides, I’ve decided I want a happy ending.’
‘You don’t think we could have a happy ending?’ He raised an eyebrow.
She shook her head. ‘It couldn’t end well, you and me.’
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Because you’re younger, Vincent, you’ve never had children, and I can’t give you any.’
‘Who says I want children?’
‘Maybe you don’t right now. But you might one day. And I don’t want to be around when you realise you do.’
‘Anna–’
‘Vincent, think about it. Can you absolutely say that one day you won’t want kids, that it would never be an issue? And I don’t blame you. But I can’t commit to someone who hasn’t thought that stuff through. It’s a huge thing. I haven’t come to terms with it yet myself.’
He was watching her with that intense gaze of his. He pulled her closer, drawing her head onto his chest. ‘So when do you go?’
‘Two weeks Saturday.’
‘Then we have two weeks.’
December
Stella was waving madly from across the street. He couldn’t have missed her if he tried.
‘Hi Mac!’ she exclaimed as he got to her. She threw her arms around his neck with unusual exuberance, even for Stella. ‘It’s so good of you to come.’
‘Are you kidding? I’m glad you asked me,’ he assured her.
She winced. ‘I had second thoughts after I called you. I mean, who wants to spend their Saturday visiting someone else’s empty apartment?’
‘I do!’ he insisted. ‘So, is this the block?’ He turned to look up at the building behind them.
‘This is it.’
‘Pretty sexy,’ he remarked.
‘I know!’ she swooned. ‘Isn’t it just?’
He smiled at her. ‘Shall we go in?’ he said, offering his arm.
She let out an excited little shriek and took off, dragging him along with her. They virtually ran up the stairs and along the corridor, till Stella came to a halt in front of a dark purple door, 1E.
‘Don’t you just love it?’ she said, stroking the door proudly like she was a hostess on a game show. ‘It’s “aubergine”.’
He was catching his breath. ‘I’m just glad it’s only on the first floor. I’m too old for this.’
Stella laughed. ‘Poor Mac. Come inside,’ she said, unlocking the door. They stepped into an airy, light-filled space, not huge, but more than adequate. There was a kitchen off to one side, and a doorway off to the other, probably to the bedroom and bathroom. Directly opposite was floor to ceiling glass, with doors leading out onto a small deck.
He put his arm around her shoulders. ‘You done good, girl.’
‘I did, didn’t I?’
‘Are you going to give me the full tour?’ he asked.
‘Till you’re bored stupid,’ Stella declared, taking his arm and leading him across to the kitchen.
She proceeded to show him every detail of the small apartment, every nook, corner, crevice, cornice, cupboard, shelf, sink, drainhole and vent. She also painstakingly itemised her plan for the placement of each piece of furniture, down to the cushions on the sofa. And he listened, asked questions, and murmured approvingly at all the right places. He was just happy to see her so happy.
‘So I still haven’t heard exactly how all this came about,’ he asked eventually.
‘We’ll have to sit down for that.’ They sat on the floor at right angles, leaning their backs against a wall each. ‘Next time you come, I promise I’ll have furniture, and a cold drink.’
He waved that aside. ‘So what’s going on at work?’
‘Well, Evan Pratt’s a dickhead, Mac. That’s the only way I can put it. Actually, there’re a few ways I could put it, but they’re all along the same lines. Pratt by name . . .’
He smiled. ‘He had to beat a pretty impressive field to get the job.’
‘Oh, don’t get me wrong, Mac, he’s highly qualified and intelligent and all the rest. But he’s a dickhead. His people skills are shocking, and as for subordinates, of which I was one, he’s atrocious. I may as well have been the dirt under his shoes.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘I handed in my resignation. I thought, bugger it, I don’t have to put up with this.’ She looked at him pointedly. ‘You spoiled me, Mac. I wasn’t prepared to work for anyone who didn’t give me due respect.’
‘Good for you,’ he nodded. ‘But you’re still there?’
‘I know!’ she exclaimed wide-eyed, as if the thought of it amazed her. ‘Evan accepted my resignation without blinking. He obviously thought it was no biggie to replace me. Then about a week later, Cheryl, Karen Gibson’s assistant–’
‘Yeah, I remember Cheryl.’
‘Well, she was collecting money for my farewell gift and she went to Bob, which was a bit cheeky when you think about it, asking the CEO to put up. Anyway, according to Cheryl, Bob nearly had a conniption when he heard it was for me. He talked to Evan first, I suppose to check I hadn’t been stealing the office supplies or something. Then he called me in and asked if he could take me to lunch – to Salt, no less.’
‘He took you to Salt?’
‘Hmm, you never took me there as I recall, Mac.’
‘I’ve never been.’
‘All right then,’ she shrugged. ‘Well, I power-lunched with the CEO and he told me how valuable I was to the organisation, that although I’ve been in a support role, it’s been a vital one, and he’s always been aware of my contribution. Yada yada, he went on, Mac. I thought he wanted to get into my pants or something.’
He laughed loudly.
‘Finally he said he wanted to consult with Human Resources to define a new role for me and that he was prepared to negotiate a very attractive package. A package! For me! No one’s ever talked about packages to me before, Mac, unless they were from the mailroom.’
‘That’s fantastic, Stella,’ he said warmly. ‘So what did they come up with?’
‘I’m kind of a team leader for all the assistants, I guess. I go to all the big meetings now, co-ordinate, report, talk about bottom lines and best practice and core competencies and synergy and keep everyone in the loop and think outside the square so we have a win-win situation at the end of the day.’ Stella paused, grinning slyly. ‘And I do lunch quite a bit.’
Mac was laughing. ‘And how are you handling it?’
A smile slowly formed on her face. ‘Piece of cake, Mac.’
He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t surprise me. I feel guilty now for holding you back.’
‘Excuse me? I was a very junior assistant when you started, Mac, and you didn’t have to take me with you, but you did. I learned heaps working for you. Besides, Bob said you always raved about me, I know that’s the only reason he was even aware I existed. And it’s the only reason I’m in this position.’
‘Well, I don’t know about that, no one could be more deserving, Stella. Congratulations.’
‘Thank you,’ she nodded graciously.
He glanced around the room. ‘So how are your parents coping with you leaving the nest?’
Stella rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, they’re lighting candles and saying rosaries. They think I’m going to become a fallen woman, or worse, that I’ll never get married because I don’t need a man to provide for me now.’
He smiled faintly. Stella looked at him. ‘Okay, that’s well and truly enough about me. How are you, Mac? Tell me all about Nicholas. I was hoping you might bring him today.’
‘I’m on a bit of a short leash as far as time with Nicholas goes.’
‘Oh?’ Stella frowned.
‘Georgie’s breastfeeding, it makes it hard to take him away for long,’ he dismissed.
‘So how old is he now? Have you got a picture?’
‘Oh, I might have one,’ he grinned sheepishly, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. ‘He was a month old last week,’ he said, slipping a photo out and passing it to Stella.
‘Oh, Mac, look how much he’s grown since the hospital!’
‘And that was taken a week ago. He changes by the day.’
Stella smiled at Mac. ‘He still looks exactly like you.’
‘Everyone says that, but I can’t see it.’
‘Oh no, you’d never have to wonder if you were the father.’ She winced. ‘Not that you would have any reason to wonder that.’
He shrugged.
‘How’s Georgie?’
‘Fine. She seems fine.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You know, I saw Anna last week,’ he said shifting the subject.
‘You did? How is she?’ Stella passed back the photo and he put it away in his wallet again.
‘She was all right, I think. She’s going overseas for a while. Before she left she wanted to see me, and the baby.’
Stella raised an eyebrow. ‘Isn’t that a little weird?’
‘I thought so at first, but in the end it was very . . .’ He paused, thinking. ‘We didn’t say much, but I could tell when she looked at Nicholas that she was feeling the loss, and I felt it too. And then we wished each other the best, and I think we both meant it. I know I did, and I believe she did too.’
‘That must have felt good, to make peace with each other,’ said Stella quietly. ‘And Georgie was okay with all of that?’
‘She was completely okay. Whatever Anna wanted was fine with her, whatever would make Anna happy.’
Stella frowned, watching him. ‘What’s going on, Mac?’
‘Nothing. Absolutely nothing.’
‘There it is again.’
‘What?’
‘The tone.’
‘What tone?’
‘The constipated tone.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Like you’re holding something in. Just get it out, Mac.’
‘You’ve put up with enough of my shit over the years, Stella. You don’t have to do that any more.’
‘Mac, will you cut it out?’ she insisted. ‘You’re my friend. You came all the way over here today to see my flat just because I asked you. Give me the same chance to be a friend to you.’
